June 4, 2021

119 Alison Armstrong: Deepen Your Experience of Love With These 3 Elements

Meet Alison Armstrong, the founder of PAX Programs Inc. and a renowned expert on relationships, gender dynamics, and personal growth. With over 30 years of experience in the field, Alison has helped millions of people achieve more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, and stronger families through her popular programs Understanding Men, The Queen's Code, and In Sync with the Opposite Sex. Whether you're looking to improve your own relationships or lead a more productive and meaningful life, Alison's insights and guidance can provide valuable support and direction. To learn more about Alison and her work, visit understandmen.com.


We Talked About

  • 2:59 - Alison's origin story
  • 6:19 - The "what if" question that changed Alison's life
  • 6:55 - Alison's love for archetypes and the limitations of archetypes
  • 10:44 - The importance of freedom as Alison's highest value and how she maximizes it
  • 16:44 - Alison's use of -ING words to describe paradigms instead of labels
  • 19:04 - The three components that deepen our experience of love
  • 35:04 - The six hidden dominant drivers that influence our choices
  • 41:27  - The distinction between expectation and need in relationships
  • 46:32 - Two tips for receiving more of what you want in a relationship
  • 50:21 - Clarifying your needs at the deepest level



Wisdom Quotes

"The idea that I could be doing something that was bringing out the worst in me was very exciting to me because I knew I could change my behavior. I knew I could change myself. I failed at changing anyone else."

"What if men are responding to women?' That question saved me because I didn't try to prove that men were responding to me, and I didn't try to prove that they weren't. I just thought, what if?"

"Every woman has the capacity to be all three of these archetypes: the temptress, the mother, and the queen. And we're actually the most powerful when we have access to all three of them and when they're in partnership with each other."

"Archetypes help to crystallize for the brain and the brain learns by perceiving difference. So the more we can distinguish something separated, then the brain can grab it. And then it can actually see the room in between. But you have to pull it apart to be able to see it. Then you can really deal with nuances in between, but until you pull it apart, you're pretty much ineffective."

"People's highest value is the thing that, for them, gives them access to all the goodies."

"My highest value is freedom. And freedom means the power to choose. In every moment, I want an infinite ability to respond. If you're unaware of how much you're compelled, then you'll never have an infinite ability to respond."

"We are compelled to label things because it makes us feel like we have a literal handle on them. It's a false sense of certainty and it makes us less effective while feeling like we'll be more effective. We're actually less effective."

"The only things we really can control are the only things that are actually happening: 1) how we're being, 2) how we're listening, and 3) how we're speaking."

"What if anything you're struggling with, you're working on at a level that it isn't happening yet?"

"What if what determines how much love I experience has to do with respect, admiration, and affinity?"

"Tolerance is the ability to be with someone without any loss of respect, admiration or affinity. What kills relationships is putting up with things you can't tolerate."


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  • [00:00:00] CK: Welcome to noble warrior. My name is C KLN noble warriors. When I interview multi-dimensional entrepreneurs about their spiritual discipline, we'll deconstruct a mindset, mental models, actionable tactics. So you can go on and take them engineer your life with more impact and fulfillment. If you have other entrepreneurial friends who could use more inspiration.

    Yeah, especially more actionable tactics around gaining a deepening experience of love. Please share this episode with them. They'll thank you for it.

    My next guest is Alison Armstrong.

    She was the founder of PEX programs incorporated. She's best known for her understanding men course, the Queen's code book. And are in sync with the opposite sex audio program.

    Alison has dedicated the last 30 years of her life, giving millions of people access to more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, stronger families, and productive organizations.

    We talked about her origin story. What compel her to [00:01:00] jump into this work in the first place.

    The, what if question that saved her life and why she loves archetypes and the limitations of archetypes and why freedom is her highest value and how she maximizes her value,

    the three components that she used to deepen our experience of love and what did the six hidden dominant drivers that drive our choices.

    The two things you need to get more of what you want as a receiver in a relationship.

    And finally, how do you clarify what you need as a human being at the deepest level?

    Please enjoy my conversation with Alison Armstrong,

    Thank you so much for being here. I want to actually give you a real quick personal acknowledgement. You have done? I just so appreciate it. I love the fact that you emphasize over and over again, that men are not [00:02:00] unevolved woman. We're not hairy woman. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing broken with any of us, really not just men, but also men and women. I love the specific takeaway from. The work that you've done is you demonstrated to me where you ask people to raise their hand when they felt physically compromised about their safety.

    And that was very eye opening for me when I saw that. Wow, I personally, as a man, never. Worry about physical safety and when I go out, but even more than the content itself what I felt is this deep place of empathy and compassion, and I felt understood. I someone with the linguistic skills that I didn't have to articulate, what's really going on in my mind. So I appreciate the work that you do, right. And you're welcome.

    So you had said it, [00:03:00] how many times you started from a place of being a frog farmer? Can you unpack that just a bit for people who are not familiar with the story of Alison Armstrong, just short one minute, two minute version.

    [00:03:16] Alison: Um, well it's elaborated on, in the Queen's code.

    Kimberly goes through, right. It really happened to me, um, 30 years ago, this month. A friend of mine was called, uh, front from, um, after she asked why is it that men are really wonderful in the beginning and then turn into sports, watching pizza, eating beer, about to couch couch. And, um, she asked that in front of a couple of hundred people and she was called a Frank Farmer, which is a woman who instead of turning five is into princes turns, princes into frogs.

    And, uh, she completely repelled [00:04:00] the concept and I loved it because I've been fascinated by cause and effect for a long time. I've been fascinated by how many things in our lives we struggle with because of what I call false cons. We assign false cons. And so we're working on something that isn't happening and which is what I was doing with men for a very long time.

    I've been working at something that wasn't actually. Happening. And so it wasn't effective an idea that I could be doing something that was bringing out the worst in me was very exciting to me because I knew I could change my behavior. Right. I'd been involved in transformation at that point for 11 years.

    Right. I started when I was 19 years old and, and I knew I could transfer myself. Right. I failed at changing anybody else. So the idea that I could discover what I was doing that brought out the worst in men, which I had no idea what it was because I was [00:05:00] so normal. Right. I didn't have. I didn't have any reflection of something different.

    Right. So I didn't have any reason to believe that men were different than women. Believe men are eight until this comment. And, uh, so that was, that was exciting to me. And I started with the question. What if men are responding to women and, and I'm stoked. I really don't know where these questions come from.

    Um, you mentioned spirituality earlier. That question saved me because I didn't try to prove that memory responding to them. And I didn't try to prove that you weren't. I just was like, what if? And so I learned all these ways that men are responding to a woman directly to what she said, what she did the look on her face information she provided or didn't provide.

    But I also found at all these ways that men are not responding to, and you know, CK, you know this, you guys have a same, a man's gotta to deal with a, man's gotta do any [00:06:00] actually be ashamed if he were responding to them. Right that he's got to do the right thing, no matter what, how it feels, you know, Matt's got to do the right thing.

    No matter if he loves her, he's got to do the right thing by reason mad at her, he's got to do the right thing, you know, get as far away from her as possible, he's going to do the right thing, whether it has anything to do with her or not. And, uh, and so one of the biggest revelations, and I'll, I'll stop talking about him as you want, but mostly women have it backwards.

    We think you're responding to us when you're not, and we think you're not responding to us.

    [00:06:37] CK: So, so I want to jump ahead a little bit, not necessarily from where you were. I know that you. Focused a lot on architects, especially a book that was Seminole. And to me, the amazing development of men where you're focused on and a lot. I'm very curious. Now, when you [00:07:00] make think things into archetypes, now it's hierarchical right from from page to Prince to King and so forth.

    Now, the perception is it's better to be a King than a Prince than a page. Could you speak a little bit about the use of archetypes and potentially the limitation or archetypes. I love personally love archetypes, but I'm curious to know your thoughts.

    [00:07:25] Alison: Well, it's interesting. Um, I had never thought of them as hierarchical.

    So when you just said that, I'm like, I can't do better than a Prince. Oh my gosh. They're so different there's advantages and disadvantages, right? Um, pages. Oh my gosh. Pages. Amazing. So I actually haven't thought of it as hierarchical any more than getting older hierarchal, someone could get older be no more than they were before.

    Right. [00:08:00] So the stages of development, um, were exciting for me just as a way of. Of making sense of what if there's a good reason for everything men did? What if there's a good reason for everything men are compelled by? And then later on, as I wanted to understand women better, because, because what men were telling me about women, I didn't understand.

    I'd never, I'd never seen what men showed me in women and women. Again, it can be listened to as her. Hierarchical the temptress, the mother and the queen. No, every woman has the capacity to be all three of them. And we're actually the most powerful when we have access to all three of them when they're in partnership with each other.

    Hmm. So, um, and then aren't tapes because they connect to with this, like, I have another set of art type cycle that got [00:09:00] monarchs, pirates, gamblers and prostitutes. And there are types of fundamental ways of relating to interactions with other people. And it affects our relationship with money affect Shane sex, uh, working with other people, all kinds of things.

    So I love them just because they helped to crystallize for the brain and the brain learns by the perception of a difference. So, so the more we can distinguish something separated, then the brain can grab it. And then it can actually see the room in between. But you have to pull it apart to be able to see it.

    Um, in neuroscience he would call it exaggeration. Um, but once you pull it apart and see it, then you can really deal with nuances in [00:10:00] between, but Intel, you pulled it apart. You're pretty much ineffective

    [00:10:08] CK: For sure. A hundred percent online, and then I really appreciate it, how you articulate it. Cause in my mind we have all of the archetypes we can access any of the archetypes at any given time in it's really have easy access, really equal access. If the situation calls for King King Joseph warrior, where he shows up versus.

    You know, I, I have to be a worry at all times and that's very limiting. That's the way I think about it. So, so appreciate it.

    [00:10:39] Alison: My highest values, freedom, and in my observation, people's highest value is the thing that for them gives them access to all the goodies. Right. And freedom means the power to choose.

    So the power to choose. This is a warrior [00:11:00] moment, right? Which is all about protecting where this is a King moment, which is all about providing right. Versus this is an elder moment, which is all about being a resource. So you're a provider. You don't push yourself. Right? Um, To be able to choose those moments are totally comes from choosing to be present the hardest thing for human means. I appreciate the box breathing before we started . That was awesome.

    [00:11:31] CK: Thank you. So, so I'm curious, you know, as surface level glance, one may say, Oh, Alison Armstrong, that, you know, it's boxing me into a archetype per se, right. Versus deeming, uh, delving into your work. And, and now like, Oh, wow.

    There's initially a lot of nuance and possibility with it. So how do you respond to someone who says. I'm infinite possibilities. [00:12:00] Don't box me into your patriarchal or stereotype men and women and what we're supposed to do, or the evolution biological, blah, blah, blah.

    [00:12:14] Alison: Um, well, I very rarely. Get send something like that. Um, I'm usually the one, like I have people who will talk to me about the patriarchy, right? So Honda, Honda, Honda, the patriarchy, you know, excuse me by patriarchy. What are you talking about? Um, there's I can tell them where I've studied men. The more I seen how much men are compelled to serve.

    Right. Much more compelled to serve than to be served. And, um, and I think if we looked at our society, um, if [00:13:00] people weren't see, how would I say this? So people tend to do right. Is eight there's this possibility, right. Something really beautiful. And. We measure ourselves against that possibility that the gap is what's wrong.

    Right. And, and that happens a lot with say women, any quality in the workplace you measure against this idealism. If we measure it against a little over a hundred years ago, women were considered too stupid to learn to type. Honestly, if we measure it against, uh, being property to owning property, to generating well, um, if we measure that against what we were thought of, as capable as doing to how many women are given [00:14:00] leadership positions in corporations, by men. They're given them by men because all the men really carry about his results and being effective. And they don't care whether you have an auntie or an Audi. Like if, if we're really paying attention to what's happened, we would call it a revolution. We go, Holy moly, look, what's happened in the last 50 years instead of what hasn't happened and what it should.

    So, um, It's pretty funny. I mean the same thing with masculine and feminine, I used, I gave up using those words because they're so, um, lady then with right and wrong and objectification and. I D that were fixed. And, um, my, my work in Chrisman ship, which has been a great aspect, a great access for me to partnership is all about having an infinite ability to [00:15:00] respond in every moment i want aninfinite ability to respond.

    And if you understand, if you can see what compels you in the first place, which is not responding, being compelled is no choice, unaware of what you're compelled, why like the instinct to protect or the instinct to provide, or the instinct to create. If you're unaware of how much you're compelled. Then you'll never have an infinite ability to respond.

    And it really shows up in the moment of awareness.

    I could choose anything else. And most people aren't even ever aware that they're compelled.

    [00:15:46] CK: So I want to follow with that thought. Hit a pause on that real quick tactical tactical question. Okay. Cause I'm, again, we're definitely aligned. It's all about in my mind, when I talk about [00:16:00] masculine and feminine, I'm not talking about gender.

    I'm talking about the genetics, right? Tendency of languages are so Laden with a lot of the historical context that I didn't need really need to carry. So a lot of coaching for me. If, if not using those terms to describe the polarities, what do you use? Because words are so limiting. I need to say something to that.

    Right? How do you, how do you, is it Hunter gather? Is that what you can go to now? Or what do you, what do you think?

    [00:16:33] Alison: I went from masculine and feminine to Hunter and gatherer, and then immediately people. He's such a Hunter, she's such a Hunter, right? So you've said together again, objectification. So mostly I traffic in ING words.

    Now States of being thinking processing. Right? So they're active, they're fluid. So are you in hunting mode? Are you in gathering mode? Are you [00:17:00] in a mental state of. Commitment committed state of mind, which is going to actually change the way that you perceive and process and speak and listen and everything.

    Or are you in an open state of mind that connected, right? Are you about in this moment, are you about productivity or connectivity, more fluid, more active, more indicating how changeable we are and.

    It's also, um, it's not just our state of mind. Like our state of mind effects, literally our state of biology. Right. We have our own Mormons with our thoughts and then our hormones affect our thoughts. So that can be in a downward spiral, or it can be an upward spiral. It can be in partnership or it can be antagonistic so that I'm always dealing more in.

    In [00:18:00] paradigms, if you will. Um, then, uh, then the, the false sense of certainty that labeling gives people we are compelled to label things. Cause it makes us feel like we have literally a handle, right. A label handle. Right. And, uh, it's a false sense of certainty and it makes us. Less effective. while feeling like we'll be more effective, we're actually less than, mm.

    [00:18:33] CK: So, so instead of going for a quote, unquote efficiency, like, let me give you a handle. Let me give you a title. Let me give you my identity can call you really literally what made me metaphorically box you in, or literally, instead of doing that focus on the ever shifting state, the ING. You know, what are you ING and this moment a way of being this woman [00:19:00] as the situation arise. Yeah.

    [00:19:03] Alison: Yeah. Mary's I can tell, um, the only things that we really can control, like have a say in, have a choice, which are the only things that actually happening. With ourselves and between us and other people, um, are how are we being, how are we listening and how are we speaking those three things? And of those three things, most people pay the most attention to speak.

    What should I say? How should I say when, how we listen is so much more important than how we're speaking. And now we're being, it communicates way more than anything we ever say your being is actually the universal language. And when, how someone's being doesn't agree with how they're speaking, [00:20:00] people will only choose the speaking.

    When they are words they're hoping to hear. Right. And they'll ignore the big game. That's telling them that this is incongruent

    [00:20:12] CK: I want to make it, I want to make it practical. We'll get to the practical applications of this in just a moment. But I want to segue to this thing that you had drawn him. One of your other podcasts, it was a downward spiral. You had talked about the evolution, biological mindset, hunting versus gathering, right gender.

    And then it's instincts, procreate protect and provide. You prefer this over the identity level beliefs or the circumstances cause and effect. So I'm curious to know why is it empirical? Is it like based on thousands of people that have you coached the biological mindset, Hunter gathering? Uh, and then the instincts dominate a whole lot more than, uh, identity level beliefs or the cause and effect [00:21:00] based on San Francisco. You, your thoughts on that?

    [00:21:04] Alison: Well, um, um, Amanda, Ryan, Regnier who, um, largely unknown title in transforming. Um, I got. It wasn't Chris. Very good. Yes. So, um, I got to be in the original wisdom course, the very first exploration one. And then the second, and what Brian said in that first course was, um, if you're struggling with something and maybe trying to solve it at a level that's different than a level it's actually happening.

    And this is what I mean by false cause. So most people are tying to solve their relationship issues. Right. Um, both words are problematic. They're trying to solve them at the level of individual. [00:22:00] At the level of my personality, my sun sign my history, right? My birth order, my ethnicity, my religion, my socioeconomic status.

    We try to solve it as all these things that I could might say are, are true about me, but in interacting, geez, Mr. In 30 years, Well, I'm 40 years of transformation, right? 30 years since I started studying Maine people will they'll ask me a question. So why would a man, blah, I actually can answer the question after that.

    They're compelled to tell me the situation that 30 year history that is not necessary because it had nothing to do with the situation, nothing to do with the history it has to do with. Exactly what every man would do that. Right. Nearly every man would do [00:23:00] that. Right. And so it's just, um, it's just something to take on.

    What, if anything, you're struggling with your working on it at a level that it isn't happening yet? Uh, may I share my, share something with you please? Of course. So about 15 years ago, Um, I'll save you the backstory I took on letting go of everything that isn't love and every birthday I recommitted to.

    And usually about a month before my birthday, I get a preview of what am I going to have to stick my face in for the next year? Not pretty green despair, anger. Um, Oh, my gosh, I pride arrogance. I can just go on and on. Right. And this last year in October, my birthday is what came to [00:24:00] me very clearly was let go of everything that isn't love, especially for yourself.

    That was worse than any of them, everything that isn't love, especially for yourself as self-love. Yeah. Like let go of everything that isn't love, especially for myself. That first place to go to. Right. Especially as a, as a woman would be feeling love for myself. Right. But how do I have a feeling it left for me?

    Well, fortunately I paid a lot of attention to, um, which talk about infinite, right? What if love is infinite and eternal and, and so it's not personal. Love is not personal at all, but my personal experience of love, like [00:25:00] this space, how big, the spaces that I have to experience love, what it, what determines how much love.

    i experience I've been working on this for a really long time. And my assertion is that it has to do with respect, admiration, and affinity. If at any, right? So the more respect you have for someone then your expensive love for them is going to grow the more admiration, your expensive love for them. It's going to feel bigger.

    The more you like them, like you just prefer how that person is. That's so cool how they handle that. Right. And where you like them, your expensive love is going to go. And then when they do things that cause you to lose respect, it shrinks. Cause usually it's admiration is shakes cause you to, I don't like that.

    I don't like them. It shrinks. What if it's just that simple? Well, fortunately when [00:26:00] given the assignment, especially for myself, that was right there available to me. Oh, if I'm going to let go of everything and isn't love, especially for myself. I need to stop doing the things that cause that costs me, respect for myself.

    Start the things that cost me admiration for myself, stop doing the things that cost me, liking myself. I got to stop doing this. I have to cut it out. I can't entertain them anymore. And I need to do more of the things that expand, respect, admiration, and affinity. Be for myself. And literally C K, this is what has me go out in.

    Hmm. When did you, when did your weather, right? Like three degrees out blender lab got in three degrees in the dark, maybe snowing and give my horse, her pain medicine, because [00:27:00] if I don't, I at least respect for myself. If I do, yes, I am that person. Something as simple as that, that I've struggled with for years, she's been on this medicine for like three years.

    Almost every night. No, I just want to go to sleep. I just want to go to sleep right now. I just cut it out because I didn't realize how much it was eating away at my own respect for myself. I was ashamed of myself. They'd let my first grade through the night, so wanted to get practical. Right. Um, that's a way to get practical.

    What are the things that we do that cost? Yes. Respect, admiration. And affinity for ourselves, which by the way, CK, the more we put up with that in us. Yeah. The more we put up with it and other people, or we don't, I literally put up with [00:28:00] Brian, Mary, and you said this too, like what, what kills relationships you said putting up with things you can't tolerate put up with and tolerate the same thing.

    And then I looked up tolerance and it said the ability to be with, without any loss of respect, admiration, or affinity. Oh, that's why in Los Angeles, it's the museum of tolerance, not the museum of putting up with,

    so what are we putting up within ourselves or another people that's costing, respect, admiration, or affinity for them, or for us, you start interacting at that level instead of personality. Or justification it's because, you know, remember his upbringing, remember the culture he comes from. Remember like all of these things that we use to justify people, not the best people they can be.

    We can have [00:29:00] compassion for what causes us to not be that, but I think it's disrespectful to settle for it. To think that little of you, or do you think that level of me?

    [00:29:12] CK: So let me recap real quick, then I'll ask a follow-up question here on those podcasts. Okay. So what do you need? It's awesome. Such a good Senate.

    Thank you. Thank you. So what you're saying, if I'm hearing you, right, let me reinterpret of what you're saying is every time you take on that way of being. You gain, respect to itself or in landmark would be, you're honoring your word to yourself first and foremost, you show up that way, then you're at a much better space to engage with another.

    Is that roughly what you said? Is that accurate or did I totally mess it up?

    [00:29:54] Alison: Um, honoring your word is awesome. [00:30:00] For many people just giving the room would be a breakthrough. So many people will even more connect, more promise, um, because of their risk of failing. And, um, I mean, that's a whole topic. We can have this, this source of my ability to do what I do.

    Is because I became a failure when I was 28 years old. That's a whole other topic. And um, most human beings are driven by not failing to succeed and not fail to live in. And that's why we're easy to manipulate. So yes. Give your word, keep your word. Um, you know, as you can tell, I, I mean, I. I was profoundly influenced by that [00:31:00] the group of people that, that came out of what was called mind dynamics, um, and who started signing and S and life sprint.

    And, um, and I, one of my favorite things, CK was somewhere I'd said, which was, um, he talked about. How will you use your words? Right? Language is so important. And most people use words in a way that I'm really good at, which is what you call the word to world. So to match a word to world match, how accurately can you describe your own experience?

    How accurately can you describe the world that you live in the world that someone else comes in? So. You know, the last 30 years have been a word to world match a man's world, a woman's world, a producers world, a connectors world. Right? Like how, [00:32:00] how accurately can I describe the experience of men and women in relationship?

    And that's what has people say? Have you been following me around? Right. Cause I ever word to world match that I'm very, um, Precise about me. My boyfriend calls me Priscilla. It's a very precise now, but the thing that, um, that were air hard, challenged us to was a, a world to where now that if you give you a word and you, everything it takes to have the world match what you said.

    Then your word actually becomes a creative that's. What I do for so long is, is became that, which is at ACA as possible, and then doing everything that [00:33:00] cries it to go from possibility. True.

    [00:33:03] CK: So quick question about that. Cause we, we started from. What is anything that's not love X? What was it? What if well,

    [00:33:16] Alison: letting go of everything that isn't low.

    [00:33:18] CK: Thank you. Especially for myself, right? That's the place where you started? Yes, that was my, my 60th birthday challenge, especially for myself. Amazing. So the question I have is this. So if we love ourselves infinitely, why the effort to. Be cognizant about anything.

    That's not our highest self because I get this question a lot. Right? Hey CK, you were thinking about this way too much. Just enjoy life, you know, forget about all this inquiry and philosophizing and then quote unquote, they'll work doing the work, right. Iowasca and all these types of things. Frankly, frankly, honestly, I thought [00:34:00] about that a lot, frankly, I do it because I enjoy it.

    I like it. That's why I do it. So I'm curious to know from your perspective, as a, as a seeker, as a teacher, as a philosopher and you know, right. How do you reconcile this desire to do quote unquote work? Curious?

    [00:34:17] Alison: Well, I would challenge where you began with, if we love our selves intimately we're I would assert word duality, right. It's in our biology. Um, it's in our brains. Uh, we have two different nervous systems. Right. One that's all about survival. And when that's all about something way beyond survival and, um, what you said about you do what you do, frankly, because you enjoy it.

    Um, we were talking about archetypes before, right? And I used to have a set of archetypes that were objectification. That now we speak about in [00:35:00] terms of ways of being, your hidden dominant drivers, right? So are you most compelled by building, by enjoying, by expressing, by sharing with other people by growing and becoming or by knowing and acquiring knowledge?

    Right. So six different archetypes, um, And we start with people looking at what do they spend most of their time doing? Right. So what are they doing? What are they spending their money on their time, on their energy and what are they doing? And they'll think they fall found their archetype. But then the question is why.

    All those things you're doing. Why do you, why are you doing them? What are they for? What is the inherent good what's in service to it? So I always thought I was eight builder. Right? I'm a built together with people I enjoy. Um, Everything I [00:36:00] do serves expressing that messages that come through me, the truths that I perceive, the constellations, my brain makes out of a starry sky.

    Everything I've ever spent, time built, team building and ice. That my whole life doing it and all my money and all my time. Right. It was always an order that something he expressed. And, um, so the what for is really important, right? Do you grow ultimately so that you're enjoying life and enjoying is often thought of as like frivolous.

    But if you look at it, enjoying, enjoying, enjoy living, enjoy bringing joy to grief, bringing joy to death, bringing joy to boredom, bringing joy to the mundane. It thank goodness for people who are driven by enjoying. Um, [00:37:00] there's a lot of trash that actually gets picked up in life in all contexts, um, for the purpose of being able to live in joy.

    So. You go see Kate

    [00:37:16] CK: Allison. So, um, recently had a family member who passed. So this, what you just said is very poignant to me, especially in this moment. So I I'm looking at the time. I can literally talk to you for hours, but since the time is so limited, I want to ask you two questions. Okay. One important aspect that you had talked about is honoring ourselves.

    Right. You had, and I'm quoting you. We treat people like how we treat ourselves when we know how to honor ourselves, we can then teach others how to honor us. Do you want to say something about that?

    [00:37:51] Alison: Well, I don't think I said we treat people the way I treat ourselves. Um, we teach people how to treat [00:38:00] us by how we treat ourselves so that the whole phrase is.

    Is honoring yourself first or all is lost. And the reason being that you won't ever let anybody treat you better than you treat yourself, you won't let them, you won't be able to receive it because you'll be afraid of what obligation it will cause you. Um, to have to them, if they're treating you better than you would treat yourself, you now only on some thing, um, if you're not modeling how to respect you, then they don't know how to respect you.

    They're going to project on to you and they will risk they'll show you respect probably the way they want to be shown respect. And this causes a lot of problems, especially with opposing instincts. Eight, the most common being that when a woman is [00:39:00] upset a man out of care and respect or leave her alone

    mistake out of love and care. When Amanda upset a woman will pet him. She'll come to him, she'll follow him. She'll track him down to take care of him. So the opposite is what we give, what we need. So men want to be left alone, handle it themselves, recover themselves, come back. A better person needs help.

    Come, come give me that. Throw me the lifeline. So, yeah, so if we don't. If we're not modeling, this is how to respect me. This is how to give you what I need. This is how to take care of me. Um, then no one knows how to do it. And then, and this goes back to respect, admiration of affinity. We mostly make ourselves in [00:40:00] believable, um, like a woman who will say that she's tired.

    And so if she lives with a man, he'll be like, okay, so honey, go to Bay. And she hasn't gotten back. I'll take care of the kids. You go to bed and she doesn't go to bed. So if we don't honor, our word is the way you would say it. If we don't say what we need and then protect what we need, um, we become unbelievable that we don't really need that.

    So why should I go out of my way to give you what you need when you don't get any, what you need? It must not be real. You must not mean it. So, um, is that enough on that? Is that what you were asking?

    [00:40:47] CK: Oh no, this is great. So I wanna, I wanna cite some examples that you gave, I thought was super awesome because, you know, I like practical, like.

    Tactical advice. I love [00:41:00] the, the, um, the example you gave, uh, for your daughter for giving to cultivating this sense of self love. I own that. I own it. I acknowledge it and say it in your head or write it out. That was super tactical. Is there anything you want us to want to say about that in terms of cultivating this self honoring?

    [00:41:22] Alison: Well, uh, I would say clarity is King. And one of the biggest things that will, um, mess us up is the difference between an expectation and a need and expect things that we need, that we expect things that we need. It, we don't expect things that we expect that we don't actually need things to expect that we do need.

    And, um, mostly relationships are based on expectations and how well are we fulfilling the other person's [00:42:00] expectations without ever having to say what they are. Right. And how well are they fulfilling hours without a separate having to say it because that's the nature of an expectation. It's something that should happen without me having to do anything about it.

    And this is what, um, it's a killer and it's the same thing with ourselves. We have expectations of ourselves and whether we're failing at our own expectations, um, is going to have a lot to do with our affinity for ourselves. Right. But have we really sat down and gone to break that expectation, come from Mike and I own it.

    Am I going to claim it right? Or is that, um, what I would call it? Dog hair and Fox tails. Right? You sit down on the couch and you stand up with dog hair all over your end. Did you intend that? Did you choose that you walked through a meadow and you come home with a sock full of Fox tans and they could work their way into your bloodstream.

    And [00:43:00] although your heart, did you intend that. So, so examining everything we think should happen, everything, someone else should be everything I should be. Wait a second. Am I going to own it or am I going to release it?

    Um, well I use the Sedona method. I don't know if you're familiar personally.

    [00:43:24] CK: I know of it. I, don't not personally familiar with a, with the process itself.

    [00:43:29] Alison: Oh my gosh. Um, last year who created the first Sedona manmade, and then hail do ask and who's carried on the legacy and warming up like crazy. He's he's one of my heroes.

    Um, it's one of the quickest, most effortless. Effective ways of restoring yourself that I've ever met. And I am a huge by restoring yourself. And [00:44:00] I'm an operates on the principle that what you resist persists, um, which is, you know, basic tenant of transformation, what you resist persists. And so instead of resisting you welcome, could you welcome, um, to have a friend.

    Powerful powerful pain in his shoulders from his neck. And I just taught him welcome. And he was stunned, right? Because he spent so much time enduring, resisting this pain. I invited him just to welcome it. Every time it showed up. Assume it's a new pain, not still there. It's just a new pain. Okay. Welcome.

    Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Instantly transformed his experience of life and how much energy he had. He just kept walking in the pain. Well, welcome. Welcome. He'll do ask and has tinnitus. Most people would go crazy for the constant ringing in their ears. Welcoming it. He spends no energy on it. He's welcome to welcomes.

    Welcome. [00:45:00] So, yeah, it's powerful stuff. I encourage everybody. Um, I have Hale's permission to teach any training and they're incorporated in our online curriculum. We have donor methods. So

    [00:45:20] CK: yeah, definitely guys, in case you don't receive it enough yet, Allison's definitely the real deal. Definitely go to understand men.com check out her work.

    I wanted to give some other a practical. Uh, analogy that you gave, which I really love you. You said that the job of a provider and the receiver. It is the receiver's job to be clear about what they want and show appreciation in the other person's currency. When receiving now I love particularly the example you gave you say you hell your late husband's hand and to places where I want acknowledgement for this, this, and this.

    [00:46:00] Here's how you're acknowledged me as a man, as someone who loves to actually see results, that's just gold.

    [00:46:09] Alison: Yeah, a credit tour. I get a credit tour to take you around all the way and take it around and everything. I had done everything and cleaned everything. I'd fixed everything and he would notice it.

    And then that was it under appreciation. Yeah. Receiving, providing, or receiving, uh, is one of my favorites. Topics in terms of upward spirals that can also be down into the sewer, that the person who needs or wants something I'm not so big on once, it just means you lack. Um, and it's very much based in survival.

    Um, whereas in [00:47:00] need has a huge cost to not having met and a huge benefit to having that like sleep for example, right. Huge cost, huge benefit in who we are being, right. So the person who has a need they're the receiver and their job is to be clear about what the need is. And then the hard part is to release to the provider.

    How will they provide too much? We'll hold on to both. So if I need something from UC K, but I can't figure out how you'll provide it for me. Like where would you ever find the time or how would you ever add the energy or pursue and have enough money for that? I may never tell you. I mean, never tell you I need it.

    And that's actually one of the ways that we emasculate, which should we design is diminishing a person's ability to produce results. So I haven't even [00:48:00] told you I need it. I just diminished your ability to produce that result from it. And if I haven't told you, I need it, cause I can't figure out how you would provide a well, I've also done something else.

    That's a masculinity. I, I have withheld a problem. Great. And, and any provider that there were natural problem-solvers right. Like, give me a problem. Let me solve that. Let me solve that. And we will hold problems instead of, instead of just saying, this is the problem. Stating the problem. What is the problem?

    Okay. So want us to just tell you what the problem is, you're listening for, what the problem is, and the problem is, and we won't tell you, right. But if we're like, what is the problem with, what is the need? What do we need to start happening? What do we stop happening? What, what, what, and then that's your job be clear about that?

    And then [00:49:00] turn it over to the person you're asking it from. And then they can go to work on how they would give that to you, which one of the most disrespectful things we do to other people as we try to make a plan for them. But it's the other reason why honor yourself first or all is lost. You have at least a thousand times more information about you than I will ever have.

    No matter how well I know you. Hmm. I wonder how much energy you have in your body right now and mature you have in your head right now. What you're distracted by, what you're focused on. Um, never know what you know about you. So if you're not honoring you. Well, his last, I don't have a chance. I would guess, you know,

    [00:49:46] CK: part of the, part of the biggest frustration of being a partner with someone else, because oftentimes the other person really doesn't know what he or she wants ultimately.

    So therefore expecting me [00:50:00] to provide that for them. It's the blind leading the blind. It's very frustrating. So for someone who is needs a lot of clarity, do you have any specific process to helping clarify. What is it that they need?

    [00:50:13] Alison: Yeah, I do actually. Um, and it it's perfect. It's right around. So it starts with being so, so what are the qualities of being that.

    You want to bring to this situation, this moment, this date, this evening, uh, to grieving, to, um, accomplishment, what are the qualities of being in this situation? Okay. So, so you can prepare yourself for something you can maintain your teen States of being, you can restore yourself to States of being. So how do you want to be.

    Do you want to be generous, grateful, peaceful, [00:51:00] joyful guest articulate. Um, Calm, how do you want to be? And, and this is that world to word match. Like we can actually pick States of being that are, that may seem difficult or even impossible to us and reverse engineer them. And the trick of being is embodiment.

    So we can, we will, we will be naturally anything we've embodied. So the best States of being are in a state of overflow when you're so full of love, you're so full of patients. You're so full of peace, compassion, right. That you're overflowing, you're overflowing and joy. So what do they States of being that you're wanting to overflow, and then you ask yourself the question.

    Okay. So when am [00:52:00] I naturally that way? Or a really effective question I've been working on for the last year or so is okay. What is it in my life that when I do that, it leaves me with the feeling cause that's how, you know, you've embodied something because you feel it in one sentence, you lost me one sentence.

    Yeah. What leaves me with the feeling of. So fill in the blank. What we leave me with the feeling of compassion, the feeling of love, the feeling of joy. And one of the biggest myths CK about men is that you guys don't feel you don't have deep feelings, or you're not in touch with your feelings. You're

    both lonely. You don't reveal your feelings cause you're used to being used against you. So you're really smart, right? The depth of feeling that I've come to the conclusion that men often feel even [00:53:00] more intensely than women do. And that you're like blow my mind intensity and. So what leaves you with the feeling of it?

    Is it sleep? Is it cha, is it taking your body to an extreme? Is it, it is a a hundred mile bicycle ride. Is it an adventure? Is it making love? Is it time alone in nature? What leaves you with the feeling of the ways of being that you're committed? And then those, those are needs. Those are the need to be the person you're committed to be.

    And if you're really committed to being it, then what you do is you protect those needs like crazy and you provide them for yourself and you ask other people.

    You can have boy, there's a thousand things you could say, but we usually go fishing for what we need. We don't [00:54:00] commit to what we need before we ask another person to commit. And how do you know you're committed to what you need? Because you're a committed, a state of being is you'll have a backup plan if they can't, if they're unable or unwilling to provide it back.

    [00:54:18] CK: Beautiful. I'm looking at at the time. I, Oh man, holy shit. Honoring my promise to you. Get you off the hook in a timely basis. I wanted to literally can talk to you for hours. Seriously. Want to really acknowledge Alison for the body of work that you've done. You know, my grandma just passed on freshly reminded in the finale of life and just like so much that you have produced and, and, and the ripple effect continues.

    Every single person in my circle heard about. I'm about to do a conversation with you, or there is this guy I love hell is [00:55:00] I just love you. And thank you for the work that you do to really helping, not only men and women heal to help honoring themselves. But also cultivating the facility, the capacity to produce a very synergistic, productive relationship for their family, for the company that they do.

    So Alison, you are a gem. I just so, so, so appreciate you. I hope that we get to do this part too, uh, sometime in the future. Great.